…On Thursday.
There’s a fabulous thread on the go at IBTP where blamers have been asked “what is femininity?”. The responses are many and varied - ranging from the personal to the profound - if you have half an hour I urge to to settle down, get comfy and read the whole thing.
One commenter, Anuna, has made her first ever comment at IBTP and it totally rocks! It’s so good that I’m repeating it here in its entitrety.
Dear Twisty et alia,
I’ve been a lurker here for some time, and this assignment inspired me to blame out loud for the first time. I love this place.
Femininity is the bandage society enjoins us to wear to hide the wound it has made of our womanhood. Woman is what I am. In my woman’s body I find my strength and the expression of my creativity, my sexuality, my dreams and desires. To be a woman is good. It is NORMAL. A woman is not a damaged man, or a lesser form of man, or a creature designed to take second place to man or be a slave to man. Indeed, if “man” supposedly means “human,” then a woman IS a “man.”
But this sick, crazy culture tells me that as a woman, I am somehow much less than that. A woman is less than human. My vagina is defined as dark and dirty, my vulva as smelly and messy. My sexuality is either too much or too little, and always to be controlled by men and their definitions and desires. My body is not my own, to do with as I please. It belongs to others, to the hands and eyes of others, who define, defame, deride and detain me. My body is not supposed to be a source of pride or strength for me. Instead, my body becomes an object, not only to others but also to me. It is an animal to be tamed and imprisoned, an artifact to be carved up and operated upon. I’m not allowed to feel my own body. Nor am I allowed to know my own mind. A woman has no self.
Femininity is what I am issued to replace my woman-self, which has been found dangerous to men and declared non-existent. Femininity tells me what I can like and not like. Femininity tells me what to eat and drink. Femininity tells me what work to do, and how to do it. Femininity tells me how to speak, how to look, how to stand, how to walk, even how to lie down and sleep. Femininity is a muzzle that restricts my food intake. Femininity is a set of handcuffs that restrains me from picking up a gun, or a hammer. Femininity is shackles for my feet, making sure I walk in bondage even when I seem to be free. Femininity is an abuser who crawls into every crack of my body and mind and stalks me mercilessly even in my dreams, even on my deathbed. I can never relax for a moment, because I must maintain my femininity, like a mask that has to be maintained over the hideous scar that, in the minds of the patriarchy, constitutes naked womanhood.
If I ever stop being feminine for a moment, I will be revealed as nothing but a woman, and that would be so horrible to the patriarchy that they would no longer be able to tolerate me. Femininity makes the world safe for men. It turns a free-striding goddess into a simpering slave. Through femininity, we are forced to bow to the protection racket of the patriarchy. We agree to our own diminishment, hoping that if we don’t defy them, they will pity us and let us live. We agree to divert them and be pleasing to them, hoping to buy some time. We know that time will eventually run out–old women are despised, no matter how many years they’ve spent being feminine–but we don’t know when, so we live in this uneasy pretense of security.
I say “we,” but I shouldn’t, because I both reject femininity and am excluded from it. Femininity is that which declares me, as a woman, NOT to be a woman. Femininity makes it impossible for me, as a woman, to buy “women’s” clothing or “women’s” shoes. Because, as defined by femininity, no woman could be the shape or size I am. Femininity is that which declares my woman’s arms to be “man arms” and my woman’s walk to be “walking like a man.”
Conundrum: Q: What is the only force in the world that can un-woman a woman?
A: Femininity.
If femininity pertained to being a woman, or was relevant to being a woman, then how could it be that a man could conform to its standards better than a woman? My conclusion: Femininity is the anti-womanhood.Anuna, Pennsylvania
For those who may be confused by the difference between femininity and womanliness HP has taken the time to put together a pictorial tutorial that should clear up any misconceptions.
21 responses so far ↓
Laurelin // March 23, 2007 at 1:19 am
It’s an absolutely amazing thread! I’ve really enjoyed reading it, it has given me plenty to think about. Yay for Twisty!
Laura // March 23, 2007 at 5:06 am
WOW WOW WOW!!
Pippa // March 23, 2007 at 12:34 pm
I loved that thread. I loved HPs photo spread. Thanks, Witchy!
jo22 // March 23, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Wow indeed!!! That comment really does rock.
RenegadeEvolution // March 23, 2007 at 1:24 pm
….
Okay.
Laurelin // March 23, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Okay, long stream of consciousness coming… I suggest everyone put the kettle on who is preparing to read this…
Anuna really has hit the nail on the head there, hasn’t she? The problem is that womanhood is unpalatable to the patriarchy without the covering of femininity, the ‘I’m playing the game-ness’ of it all. There are some virtues of traditional femininity such as patience, peace-making etc., but these virtues are likewise available to all human beings, not just women. If only people could just be people!
This is slightly OT, but whenever I think of femininity I think of how women walk in high heels. As I tend to stare at the floor when I walk along the street (yes, I’m actually shy…), I often end up watching feet. Women’s ankles sway all over the place when they’re wearing heels. Every step looks uncertain, like the puny spike is going to give way any minute. They can’t run. Perhaps I’m a little obsessive over this because of the wing tjun, but I shudder to think of the damage done to feet by these pieces of torture equipment, the damage done to confidence by wearing things that don’t allow freedom of movement etc.
(This is not a rant against women who wear heels, this is a critique of a cultural practice, so please don’t accuse me… )
Liz // March 23, 2007 at 2:59 pm
WOW indeed
Inspired me to do a whole post of my own, also including Anuna’s comment!
RenegadeEvolution // March 23, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Laurelin…you can run in platform heels
(humor here, I am attempting humor)…
By in large, in a lot of the world, Femininity is a choice. Yes, women are pressured to make the choice of “being feminine” as that word is defined by men, but they can choose not to, or choose only certain aspects of it. It also bothers me on some level that the word “femininity” and all that goes with it, as decried and or praised on Twisty’s thread, is as it is defined by men. Why look solely at a word like “feminine”, as in fem, as in female, from the male definition and let them make the rules on it, leaving us only to react to their concept of it? Yes, heels are feminine…so is giving birth. One is “unatural”, one is very natural…yet both are feminine. Being forced to be feminine? Sure, no fun at all. Choosing to do with it, or playing around with it, using it as an expression or a way to challenge things or mix things up…it can be fun. And I, personally, have never equated feminine with submissive… but maybe that’s just me.
shannon // March 23, 2007 at 11:31 pm
I am androgynous. I like being able to walk naturally- walking like a woman is very hard for me, so I walk like a man, normally. So basically to me, femininity is ‘a bunch of boring stuff other people want me to do for reasons I have no idea why”.
*still only likes to do fun stuff*
Pony // March 24, 2007 at 12:13 am
I think woman is as much something put upon us as is feminine. Both are (groan) constructs*. It is female which we are.
*I have now been on the internet tooooo long.
witchywoo // March 24, 2007 at 1:01 am
Interesting perspective RE
I take your point that, as individual women living under the current regime, we should be more than able to define our own individual femininity and live comfortably in our own skin without feeling like a “caricature of femininity” - as AP so eloquently expressed it on her blog. But, in mainstream society and culture, femininity is defined by men - as women we may not view it in quite the same way they do but we don’t make the rules so their definition impacts on all of us whether we like it or not because they have the power and there are no two ways about that.
And, yes, maybe the extent to which any of us conforms to the cultural definition of femininty is a choice but that cultural definition still forces its way into our lives and dictates the limits of the choice we make and can tolerate as individuals.
From where I sit, the concept of ‘femininity’ works to stifle the natural in women. I disagree that giving birth is feminine - female, yes, but female and feminine are two very different states of being. Female is natural - feminine is imposed.
Heels are feminine (I realise we’re discussing the outward signs here and I don’t want this to degenerate into make-up wars or anything like that - we all do what we do for our own reasons.) I have to ask though - imagine a place where no men existed…a whole bunch of women were shipwrecked on a desert island, say, and set up their own, female-only civilisation. Would women in that situation want to wear stiletto heels or worry that their breasts weren’t ‘big enough’? I kinda doubt it. Nor would we bind our feet till we were crippled or force feed little girls till they were overweight or starve ourselves in order to be ‘thin enough’. Would the concept of femininity serve any useful purpose in such a situation?
I think not.
The concept of femininity is closely allied with the concept of gender - both of which are total bolleaux and have little to do with people as they really are. Both simply serve to underpin the current regime. I’m surprised more men haven’t cottoned on to this, actually, because the concept of masculinity is equally as damaging to human expression and individuality but maybe men don’t have as much opportunity to speak about this as we do - they have more to lose, after all. Both femininity and masculinity, as human codifiers, are dishonest.
And, yes, using ‘femininity’ to challenge the status quo, startle people and make them think, is fun - I do it myself from time to time - but a lot of women (most?) are dissuaded from being that political and are kinda trapped into thinking that’s how they ought to be if they’re ‘proper’ women.
I think a lot of the responses to the thread on IBTP illustrate very poignantly just how much women’s lives are stultified by the notion of femininity which is deemed submissive. You, as an individual woman, may never have equated feminine with submissive but, believe me, for those who have the power feminine = submissive - however you choose to equate it.
Laurelin - I used to wear high heels -feminism is a journey to freedom for all of us, right? - and, for me, they’re a symbol of my un-freedom. My feet are fucked. I remember, as a younger woman, having fabulous feet - long, straight toes and no lower back pain. I know high heels, and stilettos in particular, have deformed my feet and caused my back problems.
Watch the feet of a woman in stiletto’s standing in the queue in the post office - all those tiny adjustments her muscles and skeleton have to make in order to keep her upright without her even noticing. I have to ask…would a man do that? If high heels are so wonderful why aren’t men wearing them?
Shannon - I just love you.
Sarah (Ethically Speaking) // March 24, 2007 at 1:01 am
Dammit WW, you’re making me think again…..
witchywoo // March 24, 2007 at 1:10 am
Pony - you make a fundamental point.
Feminine/masculine?
Woman/man?
Female/male?
Trust you to get straight to the point.
RenegadeEvolution // March 24, 2007 at 6:04 pm
“as women we may not view it in quite the same way they do but we don’t make the rules so their definition impacts on all of us whether we like it or not because they have the power and there are no two ways about that.
And, yes, maybe the extent to which any of us conforms to the cultural definition of femininty is a choice but that cultural definition still forces its way into our lives and dictates the limits of the choice we make and can tolerate as individuals.”
sigh. I honestly have to say that kind of attitude, while very valid, is getting to me these days…the whole sense of powerlessness and ‘throw up the hands, the boys have won, will continue to win’ that seems to be lacing everything in the feminist blogsphere these days. It’s depressing.
Laurelin // March 24, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Maybe I’ve missed something, but I fail to see how admitting the circumstances in which women live amounts to ‘giving up’. Even noticing these things is a small act of resistance, and then we fight.
hedonisticpleasureseeker // March 24, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Powerless. Hm.
I don’t think we’re completely powerless, just aware of the unbelievable lengths men will go to keep us from gaining/using power, and aware of how the deck is stacked against us.
When this realization finally hits home it can be really depressing. Then, you get MAD.
In another way the realization is strangely freeing. Meaning: If there is no way to win the game so long as we are playing by THEIR rules, then why play at all? Pick up your toys and go home and start a new game! Play with the girls instead!
Or at the very least, only play with those boys who play fair, and if that means you have no boys on your “team” watching your back, well then “phbbltt” so be it.
The challenge is to find a livelihood that doesn’t require one to kiss the ass of The Man. Those jobs are really hard to come by. I sure as heck don’t have one.
RenegadeEvolution // March 24, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Laurelin-
Oh, it’s probably just me…I’m in a bit of a foul mood lately.
Laurelin // March 24, 2007 at 8:15 pm
Well having this morning had to intervene to stop a complete idiot getting his head kicked in by someone he had insulted- join the ‘foul mood’ club!
alyx // March 25, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Yeah, awesome thread.
There were a couple of responses that suggested femininity was more of a pleasure than a pain. Couldn’t believe I actually enjoyed reading them. That’s really unlike me.
Course, if I were to hear a woman say, “I think hairy upper lips are unfeminine,” I’d still want to snot her one.
But, yeah: I was glad to see there were some non-radical (and even non-feminist) responses in there, too. For women not so well versed in feminist theory, femininity is synonymous with femaleness, so I can understand how hearing a bunch of women equate it with weakness would be pretty disheartening.
There were surprisingly few answers that made any mention of femininities, which is weird considering that this is the most popular definition in universities and classrooms. I always used to get into arguments with people when I was doing my undergrad media degree because my own personal definition was closer to the radical feminist one, but the environment I was in required I work with the third wave, ‘multiple femininities’ kind, e.g. ~
“Buffy embodies a powerful kind of femininity.”
For fuck’s sake. Just say, “Buffy embodies a powerful kind of femaleness”, or better yet, “Buffy is a powerful female.” They aren’t interchangeable, you know! I said this, often. Often I was ignored.
While I’ve come to appreciate the ‘many femininities’ variety now (particularly LMYC’s definition—that it’s anything you like because you’re a female so whatever you enjoy must be feminine by default—it shows the arbitrariness of labelling things “masculine” and “feminine”, especially if you’re a woman who likes collecting knives), there’s no way I’m ever going to not feel like vigorously shaking a woman who says stuff like, “I’d rather be feminine than a feminist!”, or, “I’d be a feminist, but I don’t like how they’re not feminine.” Ack. Well, based on that, and based on these quotes, the old feminist definition does seem accurate in its characterisation of femininity as masochistic garbage.
But I’m open to other ones, especially ones that leave room for garbage disposal (and Buffy ;-))
alyx // March 25, 2007 at 2:10 pm
BTW: How ya goin’?
witchywoo // March 25, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Hey alyx
I’m good.
Missing you though…
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